There are times I have to ask myself: what am I willing to do?
Why am I willing to embark on a training course for something completely unrelated to writing, when what I want to do in my heart of hearts is be a writer, a published writer, maybe even a well-paid published writer?
I have been considering taking up a part-time course that would last at least 2 years. I was motivated to do this by the deathly dullness of my day job. However, even assuming I passed the course with flying colours, it wouldn't mean I would be able to quit the day job. It would just mean I could ease the pain a little.
But while easing the pain a little sounds OK in theory, the truth is, this isn't what I really want to do. And the time I would need to do it in would not come out of the day job. We all know what would be sacrificed.... Writing time. That precious substance.
And why am I willing to shift time around, including 4 tutorial weekends per year, for this training course, but not for my writing projects?
Why do I think I am justified in asking for help with those weekends (e.g., with the children), but not for writing-related weekends?
I've been dreaming of taking an Arvon course in November, Starting to Write a Novel. But if I start this other thing, I won't be able to do that.
The bottom line question is, why don't I put my efforts into what I really want?
Sometimes I feel like I used to know how to do that: do what I wanted. Did I use up all my selfishness? How can I get it back?